MY PHONY VALENTINE

Special day, that February 14th is. Not only popular for engagements and weddings, but did you know that the divorce rate surges upwards of 40% on the fated date? And countless break-ups and revenge plots, no doubt.

Opposite end of the spectrum: over-the-top advertisements, the aisles of candy hearts, rose-toting teddy bears and red and pink explosions that appear mere moments after we've only just put the ornaments away from the last holiday.

So, in this time of extremes, keep your wits about you: whether you believe Valentine's Day is a contrived consumer mechanism "celebrated" to ring registers or, an homage to some wayward saint whose history actually might be divvied up between three different priests...be smart enough to know that "love" shouldn't be delegated one single 24-hour period. (Especially one where the banks, post offices and court houses are all still open, i.e., not a holiday.)

Even greeting card giant Hallmark, who will forever be associated with creating this and other "fake" holidays (hence the phrase "Hallmark holiday"), has changed their slogan for their 2011 campaigns. They now submit that "Life is a Special Occasion." Exactly. Don't wait for a designated day to buy your girl those cold carnations in cellophane from the corner bodega. Ladies, get your guy the latest celeb-scent any day you want, so you can close your eyes, snuggle up to him and channel Diddy/Jeter/Usher/Justin. The calendar can't tell you when to express your love!

And by the same measure, be sensitive to those who do choose to observe the day -- don't let the date dictate a dastardly deed like serving divorce papers or initiating a break-up. You can do that on any given Sunday. Be kind, and don't rewind by linking it to a day that must be re-lived by your ex- every year, thanks to corporate greed and societal pressure! (Massacre, indeed.) That's just mean. (Check more anti-VDay sentiment here.)

On the real, though, without sounding preachy, just wanna remind us all to love ourselves and be kind to each other, regardless of the day. Don't wait for a holiday to give a little gift, say "I love you," or express how you feel. Every day is worthy is your love is worthy. And phony valentines: if you're with someone just to fulfill a need -- and you know what it is (sex, money, housing, cell phone bill, etc...) -- remember, it all comes back to you...

Happy Valentine's Day! (or, Happy Monday!)

LOVE ME? PLEASE LIKE ME, TOO...

Once, when I was a kid, I overheard a scolding in a supermarket: a little boy was screaming and acting

"ka-razy" in the basket; his mom was at her wits' end. After a few tight-lipped words that concluded with her grabbing some shelf item he'd tossed in the cart behind him, she grabbed his little collar and said softly: "You know, Mommy loves you, but sometimes, she really doesn't like you."

I have remembered that to this day. It horrified me to think that there could be love without liking someone! How could that be? Weren't they the same thing? As I have liked, loved and lived, I have definitely discovered the difference. While like is pure, instant, and real, love can be obligatory, forced, extreme. Like says, "I'm around you because I want to be." Love often says, "I'm around you because I have to be."

In honor of this month full of reasons to think about hearts and red and pink and sweets and gifts and flowers (or poke your eyes out at the thought of it all), I thought I'd share excerpts from one of my favorite books. "I Like You," was written by Sandol Stoddard in 1965, but the message is timeless. I have given this book to only one person, ever, who at the time I absolutely adored. I don't own a copy, as I believe that one should be gifted this simple little story in celebration or recognition of a special relationship. When I found it years ago, it was the "a-ha" moment that clearly illustrated for me, the importance of "like" in love.

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I like you

And I know why I like you because You are a good person To like I like you because When I tell you something special You know it's special And you remember it A long long time You say Remember when you told me Something special And both of us remember When I think something is important You think it's important too When I say something funny You laugh I think I'm funny and You think I'm funny too...

...If I pretend I am drowning

You pretend you are saving me If I am getting ready to pop a paper bag Then you are getting ready to jump That's because You really like me You really like me Don't you? And I really like you back And you like me back And I like you back And that's the way we keep on going Every day If you go away then I go away too Or if I stay home You send me a postcard You don't just say Well see you around Some time Bye I like you a lot because of that...

...I like you because I don't know why but Everything that happens Is nicer with you I can't remember when I didn't like you It must have been lonesome then I like you because because I forget why I like you But I do So many reasons...

...I would go on choosing you And you would go on choosing me Over and over again That's how it would happen every time I don't know why I guess I don't know why I like you really Why do I like you? I guess I just like you I guess I just like you Because I like you

A HUGE TURN OFF!

I absolutely love this...and I imagine I, too would get totally excited if a date offered to turn his phone off for me. Twenty-first century romance with "old-school" appeal. It's all about being present, aware and attentive...

TELL ME SOMETHING GOOD...

Wow...if you really want to chronicle how fast time flies, try writing a blog. It seems only a few days ago I sat wondering what I would write in the first one, back on the wagon after such a long absence. And here it is already, the last weekend in January.

Well, time does march on, and that's the whole point of this now, isn't it? What are we doing with our time? What are we discovering about ourselves and others? What connections and revelations are we making? I sincerely believe that we are a disconnected people, much more so than when my parents were coming up. And this disconnect has created void and lack within ourselves.

Apparently, Berger breaking up with Carrie on a Post-it ( a real one, yellow) was just the start of the "studio gangster" approach of communication, where we hide behind a prop to say what we won't voice in person. This month, Harper's Bazaar features a nice short article penned by Ashton Kutcher, Mr. Twitter himself. He questioned whether texting, messaging and other forms of social media are changing personal relationships, depleting the romance. While Ashton seemed to admit that there's something very revealing and humble in penning an old-fashioned letter to a crush -- grammatical and spelling errors aside -- he also championed the convenience of technology. What better way to let someone (or the entire cyberworld) know that you miss your sweetheart, mere moments after you left their side for the train? Post it on Facebook! (I'm being facetious.) I subscribe to old adages; the biblical "Love is not boastful, nor conceited, nor rude..." is more my style. I don't think it particularly necessary to post public status messages all day long to one with whom I'm involved; when I see things of this nature, I tend to think the parties are desperately trying to convince themselves of something. True love is security. But I digress. We are far too public with some things now days, including private relationships. And we have become far too flippant and brief with our words to fit the fast-frame limitations of technology. Letters and calls -- not voice mail messages: hi Brett, hi Tiger -- are more than just forms of communication, they are intimate, personal experiences. Plus, pen to paper doesn't limit you to 140 characters.

Challenge yourself to truly connect with people. If you are a serial texter, tell yourself to call a friend to arrange lunch or time at the gym this week, instead of typing off a quick message. Can't get your day started without checking into Facebook at the crack of dawn? Tomorrow, delay logging on to your favorite social site until, let's say, lunchtime. It's not likely you'll miss anything, because it's all there logged for you by the hour. In fact, you may come to appreciate this more, as you can sit and read entries that have accumulated, and learn to enjoy them without instantaneously responding to everything.

These are just small steps to re-acquaint yourself to the world...the Old World where the best you could do to find out about a crush was to gossip, not Google. The world where "booty call" actually meant a phone call; not a text at 2 a.m. that says "where r u?" (see the movie). Let's talk to each other more, so that we hear inflections in voice and tone and don't have to guess if talking in all caps really means that I'm mad or that I'm just too deft to remember to stop holding down the "up" arrow button when I type. Send real cards -- beautiful ones still exist and can be found at Hallmark, Papyrus, Kate's Paperie and other lovely retailers. Don't wait for a holiday. The US Postal Service is punishing us with rising rates for not regularly patronizing their services; throw a bone their way every now and then by surprising your Mom or BFF with a colorful mailed card. Or simply leave your significant other a sweet handwritten note tucked in a coat pocket or atop a pillow.

Don't get me wrong: I know technology is something we cannot live without, and it has improved our lives a thousandfold in a plethora of ways. But at the end of the day, I cherish more the old, yellowed love letter that falls from a forgotten novel in my storage space, than a mobile phone text message composed of abbreviations and emoticons. Classic break-ups are equally appreciated: every strained sentence, emotional tear and good-bye kiss lingers in the mind's eye so much longer than a Blackberry Messenger litany. Can you imagine "Casablanca" with a text message ending? Rhett Butler typing the SMS note: "Frankly, my darlin', I don't give a damn," in "Gone With the Wind?" Strangers pass notes; businesses send formal correspondence. If we were personal, then it is not business. If I was worth it at all, ever, talk to me...even at the end. Guess I'm just old-school.

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OK, so I just basically bashed the virtues of technology...

But, where computers, mobiles and more are not the greatest for intimate communication, they are awesome for keeping you connected with volunteer efforts and those in need! Here's a list of organizations that absolutely benefit from your fascination with the efficiency and convenience afforded by pressing buttons and their average time commitments...

While in line for a latte (1-3 minutes):

Check out Causeworld, a free app available for Android and iPhones. Causeworld works on a GPS-like platform, similar to Gowalla and Foursquare, where users "check-in" at various destinations, except here, instead of badges, "karma coins" are awarded. Collected coins can be donated to organizations of the user's choice. The actual funds have already been donated by sponsor companies such as Kraft and Proctor & Gamble; Causeworld members just tell them where to direct the donations. (And best of all -- you can share your efforts with your Facebook family! I'm being facetious again.)

While shopping on-line: (10-20 minutes):

Stop by Help A Mother Out.org (HAMO), a West-coast based on-line organization that has facilitated the donation of over half a million diapers and wipes since 2009. Recognizing the gap left by WIC, food stamps and other assistance programs that do not cover diapers, HAMO has established "wish-lists" through Amazon.com: items you choose to purchase and donate are directly shipped to the Moms in need.

On a snowed-in morning (15-60 minutes):

Join Sparked.org's "on-line volunteering" community, where you can give back when it's convenient to you. Are you awesome with fundraising or grant-writing? Can you design a website in your sleep? Do you write killer press releases for a living? Turn your professional skills and talents into free work donations for organizations that need help.

WE DO BIG THINGS...

Although today's headlines run the gamut of reactions to last night's State of the Union address by President Obama, I only had one: do something. See, it's easy for people to talk a good game, but at the end of the day, if all you have done is talked and a game is never played, what did you do? The President briefly outlined some of the major issues that have been on the table without resolve, and whether his audience rose and applauded his points or sat back and smirked in indignation, every person in that room with an elected title is responsible for putting their personal agendas aside and working together to come up with solutions for this country. As the President said, that's what they were chosen to do. The name-calling, finger-pointing and arm-folding needs to cease; these are schoolyard behaviors that we simply don't have time for anymore. We are being outpaced across the globe in the areas of technology, science and engineering. Our students are not being challenged to face their fears of mathematics and numbers. And because cultural and creative pursuits are not highly valued in this country (art is usually the first "extra" program cut first in schools, if it even existed at all), our kids lack in those areas as well. It only takes one trip abroad to recognize that just about everyone speaks English in addition to their native language. Americans are not largely similarly armed with such skills.

So what I heard, was the question, "what are we doing?" The heritage of this country is immersed in ingenuity and invention; the way things came to be simply out of necessity and a commitment to find solutions. The Wright Brothers. Edison. President Obama referenced Russia's Sputnik effort in the race to outer space, and how the U.S. responded with the NASA space program, which eventually in 1969 put the first man on the moon, Neil Armstrong -- an American.

The President went on to use the reference by stating, that this time, now, is our generation's Sputnik moment. What solutions will we come up with? What challenges will we face to overcome and bring positive change and pride to this nation? How will each of us contribute to the effort to make this country a more livable place for all citizens? Where is that drive and tenacity that put America on the map as an economic superpower, a country to where the world flocks to attend its' institutions of higher learning and work in its' thriving enterprises?

Answers, comments and criticism can come from various places, and that stream will always flow. But, like the President, I'm focused on action, tired of all the talk. Talkers talk. Where are the doers? I don't really care who likes whom in the room, don't care who they sit next to or applaud. Do your job. You weren't elected to join a glorified gang, and hang out with the homies who think most like you. Do that on your own time. Step back and look at the greater good, the bigger picture, and recognize your place in that portrait, and what you can contribute.

In short, sh*t or get off the pot.

And I recognize that I need to do same for self. What am I doing? Is it what serves me best, my personal "country?" Am I governing myself by the laws I established for my well-being, or am I allowing them to be compromised by others and even my own thoughts? Have I been all-talk-no-action?

President Obama concluded his address last night by declaring, "we do big things." I think he purposely left it open for the legacy of this House, this Congress, this government to be further defined from this moment forward. It's easy to be held to small stature: continued bickering, divisiveness and failure to produce results. He urged them to think larger, act with expanded focus and intent. Today, I received news that has left me with a similar challenge. I have decided my Defining Moment is now; I will be no one's opinion (not even my own), but instead a series of actions that one can examine as my body of work, and it will speak for itself. I, too, do big things. You can too.

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Do Something...Big Things Start Small

more opportunities to get involved with your children, your communities, your country:

GirlsInc.org - inspire a girl to be strong, smart and bold

BBBSA.org - donate money or time to help a child reach his or her potential

HabitatforHumanity.org - break the cycle of poverty and help bring to life the dream of home ownership

Kickstarter.org - help fund creative pursuits by people just like you, and access their public projects in return

DressforSuccess.org - boost the confidence of a woman entering the workforce

SEW MUCH TO LEARN...

Last week, I challenged everyone to participate in the National Day of Service, recognized on MLK's birthday. I took the day "off" to seek out an opportunity in my own neighborhood, to lend a hand, show up and get active.

Thanks to an email I received on behalf of Michelle Obama from Organizing for America, I went to Sue Rock Originals Everyone Design Studio. A large party of enthusiastic volunteers gathered at this busy little shop in Bed-Stuy, Brooklyn, to lend their time and talents to the day's project: constructing numerous quilts from reclaimed fabrics to be donated to domestic violence victims and their families. There was a roomful of skilled seamstresses, speedy knitters, wily weavers and crafty crochet stars, and I, not in possession of any of those wonderfully creative skills, took out my camera to document the day.

For seven years, Sue Rock Originals, an eco-fashion brand of women's separates, has been supporting women and their journeys to begin new lives, though outreach programs and fundraisers. The finished quilts from the MLK Day project will be distributed through one of the design studio's partners, the Center Against Domestic Violence, one of the country's first organizations (established in 1977) to work to end domestic abuse. Apart from providing useful items created by volunteers, Sue Rock Originals also offers victims the opportunity to become self-sufficient and learn valuable life skills while building their new lives: the women who participate in the program make their own clothing and accessories in a series of classes offered by the studio over a six month period. Bolts of fabric, materials, machines, the studio space itself have all been donated to support this beautiful cause that ultimately helps women help themselves.

It was truly a wonderful experience to see people from all walks of life: men, women, mothers, kids, the experienced garment mavens to those who simply swept up remnants come together on a cold January day to work towards a common goal. The chatter and buzz in the room was light and sprinkled with laughter, as these mostly strangers began to bond over boxes of fabric squares, around knitting needles and beside tables piled with yarn.

I met Sue, a cherub-faced bubbly woman, as she moved around the studio, greeting and thanking volunteers for their efforts. As she shared the story of Sue Rock Originals with me, I heard the commitment and passion in her voice, and saw the absolute gratitude she had for the day's amazing turnout. She also had me thinking when I left, "Why don't I know how to sew?" My maternal grandmother was a seamstress, and my childhood is peppered with memories of visits to her house, where there was always fabric and thread on the floor, a humming Singer pedal machine, and some new tissue paper pattern pinned to a length of fabric, stretched out on the living room floor. And her skills weren't lost on the next generation: my mother did her share of garment service for the family. I can dig up more than a few photos of me and my brother wearing matching corduroy ensembles, or us covered up in front of the t.v. with a crocheted afghan or a quilt made of fabric culled from old favorite outfits. Although in these salad days I was gifted with impromptu demonstrations and hands-on lessons, and even bought myself a compact machine as a young adult (now, somewhere "misplaced"), I somehow have become strangely dependent upon my favorite Lower East Side tailor who will hem a pant leg or sew on buttons for $3 and up. Sadly, sewing has become a fading art in my family tree.

Sue Rock Originals Everyone Design Studio offers sewing classes, the first three Saturdays of the month, for $20. I told Sue she'd see me again, at least once. Not only will I commit to taking part in a process that will assist others in their quest for a better life, it would be great to improve my own, and carry on some part of the legacy of domesticity that was imparted upon me that I seemed to have lost along the way...I just have to get past the thought of sewing on Saturdays...

Check out more photos here:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/iwanticandy/5385433130/in/set-72157625772476501/

Sue Rock Originals Everyone Design Studio is located at 1069 Bergen St., in Brooklyn, NY.