Tuesday, June 21, 2011

A LOVE SUPREME?

Wow, what a run the last 30 days or so has been. Where I started out the year trying to live in truth and in the light; in humility and in service, as usual, someone sees it fit to throw their wrench into my works. In my mind, I have crashed my car into the offenders and run them straight over. I have rang their doorbell, only to have them answer and I rush in and tackle them to the floor, beating them senseless. In one of my best mind-revenge plots, I set fire to their house while standing laughing on the lawn. But, alas, I have no time for jail time, so those scenarios remain unplayed, unrehearsed, even. Rather, in dealing with the circumstances, I have looked to land here, and tell my tale in sarcastic, caustic tone, to vent the emotions. Many times, my fingers landed on the letters to make up the words, phrases and sentences to describe the characters and their traits, but in doing so, my digits made clamor, the tips hurt...I struck the Mac Air keys with such angry force, I startled myself.

You can't do this. This is not how you said you'd live. He who asks for protection cannot fight another's. Literally, it came to me in the last hour of my birthday: a beloved book fell from the shelf. When I reached to pick it up, my fingers grasped the dog-eared page that was a message I desperately needed to hear.

From Iyanla Van Zant's Acts of Faith:

The moment we have a negative experience, we get stuck in what was done and how it was done to us. We must learn not to take life so personally. People are not really out to get us. Events are not waiting to befall us. We are all moving to get where we want to be. As a result, we will sometimes step on each others' toes. When we find ourselves in a conflict or confrontation we must know how to love ourselves out of it. Love means recognizing fear as an operand condition that sometimes makes us do and say things we really don't mean. Love means opening our hearts and minds to our best, regardless of what is going on. Love means not attacking, but supporting, not defending, but seeking clarity. Love means knowing that, in the end, we will all be okay even if it means we have to give up a little of something. Let us learn to give up anger and fear by replacing those things with love.

--I am loving you and me out of this situation.

On this day, the summer solstice, I give all the faith I have unto my love, my love supreme, to guide me out and away from the situations, scenes and swindlers who continue to try to steal my joy. And you should do the same.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

USE 'EM (OR LOSE 'EM!)

We’ve roughly 100 days of this concept called “summer,” so while spontaneity is sexy, sometimes it’s best to plan ahead. iCandy wants to help with this little guide (below) to some choice events and awesome photo ops in and around the NYC/ NJ /PHL /DC area on the radar from May through September. By no means complete, it can serve as a reminder to check for other updates to come, like Brooklyn’s Wingate Park (terminally slow with their info) and Good Morning America’s concert series in Central Park (they dropped names -- Beyonce, MJB, JHud, Nicki Minaj -- but no dates yet). To keep it tight, no hyperlinks were added, but Google any event listed here with the date, or check the web addresses included on some calendars at the bottom, and you’re sure to get all the details you need. We concentrated on mostly music concerts and mostly FREE events (unless you see “$”), so there’s NO excuse to get yo' azz up, throw on your fresh gear (cuz broke/cheap folk are usually the flyest), and post at some of these spots! Memories are made of such moves…Happy 100.

KEEPIN' IT "ONE HUNN'ED"

Saturday, May 14, 2011

LET'S SEE YOUR DIRTY BIT


Spring is trying it's best to get into a groove, at least in some parts of the country. 'Tis the season: Baby showers. Proms. Graduations. And our favorite, weddings. Although we suspect few people are as creative and talented as this couple (word is that they are both graphic artists for NBC), wouldn't it be a blast to film other events of your life like this, flash-mob style? There's actually a company in Miami that you can pay to follow you around like the paparazzi and shoot pics and video. Most people do the obvious, like clubbing and limo-hopping. Don't laugh -- you'd do it in a second with some throw-away money. But switch it up: take the film crew along when you hit the gym, drop the kids at soccer practice or stroll the aisles at the supermarket.

The point is, we should all be stars in our own videos, everyday. The fact that these folks turned their wedding into a full production - in more ways than one - is a testament to their relationship. They took the drama out of the day and had fun with it. We can do the same. So toss your hair just a bit when you chat up the salesclerk. Strike a pose at the bus stop while wearing your sexy sunshades. Lick your lips LL-style while primping in the mirror. The confidence you gain by feeling as though "you're on," in your "dirty bit" mode will be worth every second. Then laugh and get over yourself. Repeat often. And have the time of your life.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

HOW MANY OF US HAVE THEM?


"Friends...ones we can depend on?"

You know how it goes. Classic hip-hop by Whodini. (Who? LOL) Real talk, though, have we ever considered the lyrics, the question that is posed?

Over the last few months, I've experienced quite a few episodes which have led me to examine the concept of friendship...not that I'd never pondered the premise before, but in the spirit of spring cleaning and spiritual cleansing, it was worth another look. And, clearly, many others have similarly recently felt the same...see these choice tweets and posts collected from many of my friends, followers and followees:

"Sometimes, saying sorry doesn't mean you're wrong. It means u value the friendship more than your ego." Kristine T

"...and *good friends become strangers. Word up." RF

"Rather have a real enemy than a fake friend." MR

"...I get it. Even after all the long conversations, flirty texts, flirting in person, talking 24/7, I'm just your friend." LQx

"You cannot say you've lost a friend. If a friendship is capable of ending, it is because it never really existed." Jas

"I always felt that the great high privilege, relief and comfort of friendship was that one had to explain nothing." XQ

It's on our minds. It's on our hearts. It's on our nerves. I don't profess to have any answers; in fact, I won't even attempt to philosophize (is that a word?) on the subject, because it's too personal. My version could turn this blog into a diary, Debby Downer-style. But I will offer this: often we define broad concepts by what we know they absolutely are not, to help us get to what we feel they are. So, this, I know:

Friendship is NOT...
-- an opportunity
-- transactional
-- selfish, egotistical or narcissistic
-- a replacement for another relationship
-- an excuse for bad behavior
-- tolerant of jealousy, envy or other ill will
-- to be taken for granted
-- "an understanding" unless everyone indeed "understands"

As with many other words, we tend to fling around "friend" and "friendship" without really thinking. We take up with people fast and dismiss them even more quickly, often with no thought about the roles of friendships, the responsibility for the upkeep, the care and nurture. Stop and consider toxic friendships, those we perhaps have held on to for "too long," or those we pursue when we should probably just leave well enough alone. Whatever your personal belief, be it "things fall apart, and people do, too," or "if it doesn't last forever, it wasn't real," always pause to remember that what you give is a reflection of who you are, what your issues are. And nothing good can grow in distressed soil. Although it has been proven that friendships extend the life cycle, there is no better friend than the one we are to our individual selves. We have a major responsibility to our friend-self to collect people and experiences that enrich our lives, and make us feel special. So start at home.

Monday, March 28, 2011

IT WAS ALL A DREAM...



"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." -- Dr. Seuss

Can you believe a full quarter of the year has come and gone? Damn! And I still have a "to do" list with January items on it (no joke). How does that happen? Somewhere between that semester you finally decide to stop playing quarters EVERY night and the one in which you were informed, "yes, you must choose a major," time changed its' speed. Or perhaps the shift occurred during the moment you moved from boyfriend to baby's daddy (or vice versa). Or when it was clear you weren't pro-league material. Or when you started working for the money and not the passion. Whatever the circumstance, there exists one precise tick...and previously perceived dragging gains momentum, hurtling towards some unknown finish line on the course of Life.

Thanks to MTV and BET we can still secretly participate in brief "Spring Break" wild-outs, but remember when "summer recess" was an eternity? I recall living my break in sections, even in years the school calendar was extended due to winter's snow days. My fall discourse on "How I Spent My Summer Vacation," usually filled up two or more pages. Because, as kids, we had appointments, sessions, play-dates; agendas much more full than the average adult's daily life.

For me, summer would kick off with day camp, at a local parks & rec, where I'd spend every weekday, sunrise to sunset, lining up for games and arts & crafts and foot races and swimming with my camp friends (different group than school mates and the block heads). I know now our parents were nuts, leaving us under the supervision of counselors only a few years older, but it was activity-based babysitting, and above all, FREE...and we all survived without major incident.

Next up would be a visit to relatives: great-grandparents, et al. "down south;" my wayward cousins in the D (just the right letter for the "city" slightly to the right of Chicago), or a timely family reunion somewhere far-flung to finally meet the "cousins your age." (A good thing this reunion was too, lest I find myself chatting up a tall, athletic second-cousin at a function somewhere...my family's got some great genes...) If there was a birth or a death, these were celebrated and condolenced also, but I was both lucky and savvy enough to skip hospitals and funerals for the majority of my childhood.

Then there was time to convene with the block crew to trade stories of the summer's happenings to date: How'd you get so dark? What happened to your leg? Did you kiss anyone yet? This was about the halfway point during the long break, so days were still crazy hot, filled with trips up to the public pool, hanging out at the corner store, UNO and spades games on the porch. Our nights were spent chasing fireflies, the ice cream man and each other -- well, in "Catch A Girl/Kiss A Girl," me and the ladies were either running for our lives, or playing slow and feeble on purpose.

A couple summers, I worked. I don't even wanna remember how this started. As a kid, jobs are like tattoos: once you get one, you get hooked. And even though I worked for mere pittance, there's something about earning your own chump change that is quite empowering. That wears off quickly.

I never had to go to summer school to make-up any coursework, so I used the time to get ahead. Somehow, I routinely worked in visits to museums, multiple trips to the library, and sometimes enrolled in cool classes that covered creative disciplines like pottery, photography and architecture. City programs kept me busy some summers: I once attended the famed Illinois Institute of Technology as a participant in an engineering program where I learned binary code and how to dismantle circuit breakers. Uh-huh. (It was during this time I also became a video game junkie and schemed my way home more than once after tricking away all my bus fare.) I read books and completed reports for my mom (where they do that at now?), and I was made to finish the newspaper every day as if my life depended on it. One summer, my task was to learn the city...and if you've ever visited Chicago, uh, this wasn't easy. But, CTA student pass in hand, I boarded the bus and caught the "L" train to destinations my mom doled out in advance. In a short while, The Kid from the far Southside ("ten-tray," so the psuedo-Blackstone Rangers on my block called it) could comfortably roll through Hyde Park, South Shore, Englewood, the Westside, the Gold Coast, Six Corners, Evanston and beyond.

Back in the neighborhood, there were block parties popping off, and our own ave's was okay, but the adventure (read: drama) was on streets unknown. We would bike our way over to an Aunt's or Grandmother's 'hood to check out cuties on other streets, where the inevitable scrap often went down with other chicks who wondered who invited us, where we came from and why we were checking out - and getting play - from their dudes. And when we weren't on the block, we were at the mall, in the park, or at the summer fests, like Taste of Chicago or house music institutions like Sauer's, Mendel or Funky Buddha Lounge.

And let's not forget ball! Chicago is nothing else if not a basketball town, and that goes way back before Michael Jordan, although his legacy totally cemented it. Summer leagues and pick-up games dominated our late summer days and nights. Local playground legends and D-leaguers battled it out with the seasoned pros and "school boys" in gyms across the city, stands full and attentive, like any regular-season NBA game. With scholarships, roster spots, sports page placement and street cred at stake, the baller community was a-buzz -- and so were we!

July would barely leave the calendar before stores would begin to insult our intelligence with displays of school supplies and ads about back-to-school sales. As the First Day loomed, our last days were consumed with preparation: lists and practice and work-outs and try-outs and speculation and anticipation. And the calendar would repeat: the first day, football/band season, Homecoming, final exams, Thanksgiving, Winter Break, etc., etc. But this used to be in a package called Forever. Time took "forever" to pass; it took "forever" for days to come.

One day, in college, between laughing and drinking at a party one night and yawning/crying during a pop quiz in lecture the next day, "forever" left me. Everything that used to take so long to arrive now came in an instant. I blinked and turned my head slightly and I walked across a stage with the diploma I'd just arrive to work towards; the parents who'd only the day before moved me into my dorm were applauding as my name was read and my tassel was turned from right to left. I didn't know it then, but the two odd fellows sitting beside my folks were Time and Forever, waving goodbye. I didn't need that calendar to mark the passing time anymore; holidays would from now on be a reprieve or long weekend to sleep halfway through. Other activities saved to experience vicariously through my niece or future children: back-to-school shopping, school recitals, karate competitions, prepping for prom...

It's not exactly fair that "forever" leaves us way before most of us are ready to truly appreciate the time, but it preps us for realities, like in love, for example. We come to learn that it's really true that nothing lasts that long, and if we're wrong and it does, love might not be the thing we choose for the extended period (I myself would choose summer vacation; forever on a sunny beach with a drink in hand sounds good to me). The lesson learned is that since nothing lasts, use it, live it, remember it. Few things beat sitting around with friends and relatives talking about "the good old days" and the memories we'll have "forever..."